Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i out mim tonsoeep
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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