There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
