Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
