I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
