i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
