I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I want to fling myself into the sun
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think my moral compass just broke
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