I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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