You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
