remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
