I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
