how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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