I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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