Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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