Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
