Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
