textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
