just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
