I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
