i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
