loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Girls should come with a carfax report
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
