non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
