my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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