I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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