I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
