I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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