I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
