also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
