I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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