You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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