I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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