i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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