I'm pants shitting drunk right now
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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