I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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