grandma shit on top of the toilet
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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