I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
