We got so high we made milksteak
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
