What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
