i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
