I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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