I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
