I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
