I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
