White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
