I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
