: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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