The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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