I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
the raccoons are back...
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