I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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