A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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