I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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